What appeared to be Grief and Loss from falling behind was really…

I feel like I’m falling behind.  Farther and farther behind.  This is for a program that I’m paying a lot of money every month to be a part of right now. 

There are three contributorsFirst, there is a LOT of content to consume every week. Second, there are a LOT of actions to be taken based on what we’re learning every week.  Third, we are being asked to make a bunch of very critical decisions that highly impact everything we will be doing in the program moving forward.  Some of these decisions can be based on research.  Others appear to be “creative, gut reaction” decisions.

Coming from a family of Engineers (Dad, 2 brothers, ex-wife, and 2 nephews, are all Electrical Engineers) who value logical decisions highly, I learned how to over-think things quite honestly! Over the years I’ve gathered quite a few tips and tricks that give me frames of reference from which to start.  I understand how to research and develop logical reasons to choose one way or another.  AND after I’ve looked at the options logically, I DO use “going with my gut” as the tiebreaker, or more often a heavy influencer in the overall decision. 

Having to come up with creative ideas minimally anchored to “logic, reason, or precedence” has recently tied me up in knots!   On one hand, these choices appear to be someone arbitrary.  On the other hand, I can foresee scenarios down the road where these choices could have awesome results or lead to disastrous outcomes that would mean basically having to start over at square one.  So, as I’m working on making these decisions I’m falling further behind, which adds pressure to making the decisions. 

In an attempt to side-step, or at least slow the rate of falling behind, I’ve joined this 21-Day Publishing Challenge within the program.  This has turned out to be a good thing!  I’ve dusted off my skills and equipment and am trying some new things.  I’m putting myself out there consciously “taking massive, imperfect, action” in order to get rolling and start testing and re-engaging with these processes that I haven’t touched in 8+ years. 

One benefit is that it is actually easier in some ways than it used to be.  The technology has advanced significantly! Another benefit is that I’m far more confident and less self-conscious than I used to be on camera.  Maybe I feel more “qualified” to share this information, and my opinions now that I have both a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health and have been trained in and using Tapping for about 20 years now.

Or maybe I really don’t care what other people think about what I have to say?!?!  Maybe turning 60 has mentally allowed me that freedom.  Maybe I’m realizing (or internalizing for the first (?) time) that some people will like what I have to say – those are “my people” – and others won’t, so those aren’t “my people” so I really don’t care what they think. 

One tidbit of wisdom that has stuck with me (stuck in me like a knife?) is the adage, “Other peoples’ opinion of you is none of your business!”  While it seems counter-intuitive, taken in the right light, it can be very freeing.

What is my business in how I feel about “falling behind” the group.  As I wrote that a childhood memory of hating PE came back.  For much of my childhood I was heavier and not very physically active, and definitely bad when it came to eye-hand coordination and sports.  PE often included running and I was always falling behind.  Embarrassment and shame are strongly associated for me with falling behind.  Also with any kind of participatory engagement by me in sports. 

A lightbulb just went on for me that I wish I’d have gotten 15-20 years ago.  It was my loathing of participating in sports and near total lack of interest in watching sports, that “prevented me” from being there for my three kids who were into sports.  This was particularly true at their younger ages.  I had NO skills and ONLY felt embarrassment and shame when I played, so part of me assumed that would be true for them!  OBVIOUSLY, based on the fact that they excelled at sports, that wasn’t the case.  My son even turned down a University scholarship in Soccer so he could purse the degree he actually wanted at another University. (He and his soon-to-be wife both have Doctorates in Pharmacy as a result of that choice!)

I clearly recognize that my loathing of sports cost me very dearly when it comes to my relationship with my kids.  Their mom, and her boyfriend (now husband) were both there for them in support of their sporting interests.  I half-heatedly attended some of their earlier games.  I attended a few of their high-school games.  I can see from this distance that this was the reason they quit telling me about the games.

So yes, this has cost me dearly!  The good news is that seeing it now may allow me to change things for my future and the future of my relationship with my kids and their kids.

I’m going to break this into two segments and do a Tap-Along video for both.  The first will be for the embarrassment and shame around falling behind.  And the second around strongly (my) strongly held beliefs related to sports and the meaning of sports.

I’m going to deliver those segments and their videos separately from this post, over the next couple of days since this post has gotten so long. So be sure to check back tomorrow for the next installment in this saga!

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment below.

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