Confused and betrayed! That’s how I felt the last time I had a fight with my (ex) girlfriend. We had been so close and in love. But over time we had drifted apart. (Or perhaps we had grown apart as we each grew into stepping onto our new path as we each did our own inner work.) Things didn’t mesh like they used to. There was tension in the household as expectations (both voiced and unvoiced) did not get met. Eventually it just blew.
There was a comment that started it…that lit the fuse. There actually was a space between when the fuse was lit and when the explosion occurred. It was that moment of confusion, and disbelief…when your mind goes from realizing what was said…to “but you love me – how could you say THAT?!?!” But, unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there. It rolls right on to, “Oh, hell no! I’m not going to let THAT go unanswered!” and you watch as the spark disappears into the powder keg right before it blows. You know what’s next. You wish it weren’t the case…and then it happens. The words just flow…the rational brain is no longer engaged…and those hurtful words just flow. The ones that you would never consciously say from that place of calm, centered, rationality. But you are no longer there. You’ve been triggered and you respond to being hurt…or retaliate!
At one time or another, we’ve all been there, done that (on BOTH sides) and have no desire what-so-ever for the T-Shirt! But what do you do about it now? In the aftermath… when you find yourself wandering in that minefield of hurt feelings and broken dreams.
You can try to say “you are sorry” but somehow, “sorry” just doesn’t cut it. You can try to explain, but it’s likely to fall on deaf ears. The damage is done.
So now what?
Neither one of you can take back the words that still linger in the air and echo inside your head, even if you really wanted to do so in this moment. You’re both still in a triggered state and hurting. On your best days, you might be able to immediately stop yourself, cut your comments short and apologize in the heat of battle and try to reconcile things before they get any worse. But this time it’s gone too far, and the anger is mixed with regret. Regret for what was said, how it was said, and the damage you each did to the relationship.
The silence is deafening.
There’s only one thing left to do that will make any difference at all in this moment…the only thing left to do is tap.
It’s probably better if you at least start doing the rounds of tapping by yourself, since you will need to voice exactly how you feel out loud, and there’s no need to pour gasoline on the fire and fan the flames any more.
- “Even though I can’t believe that you/I really said all those terribly nasty, hurtful things (out loud!) I deeply and completely love and accept myself (…or at least I’m open to that possibility someday!”)
- “Even though I’m angry and have said and done some things that I now regret, I deeply and completely love and accept myself (…or at least I’m open to that possibility someday!”)
- “Even though I’m still really pissed about all of this, and the anger and hurt is still festering in and among the regret, I deeply and completely love and accept myself (…or at least I’m open to that possibility someday!”)
- “Even though right now I don’t know if I will ever forgive you (or me!) for what was just said and done, I deeply and completely love and accept myself (…or at least I might be open to that possibility someday!”)
Tapping through the points (EB, SE, UE, UN, CH, CB, UA, Top) several times while saying, “I can’t believe that you/I really said all those terribly nasty, hurtful things, out loud!” would probably start to take some of the shock off of it.
Continuing to tap through the points while saying, “I’m (still) angry” would likely be a productive way to release some of the emotional upset around the situation.
I would probably then move on to tapping and saying, “I’m (still) angry, but I’ve said (and done) some things that I (now) regret.”
Then, if it felt right, I might tap through the points while saying, “I don’t know if I will ever forgive you (or me!) for what was just said (and done.)”
I might even tap through a round or two on “I’m right, and I know I’m right about this!” because sometimes we have to acknowledge our need to be right before we can actually look at it and start to let it go.
Depending upon how emotionally charged the situation is/was, there are likely to be all kinds of things to tap on that will naturally come to mind.
Eventually, once you’ve tapped on the “obvious” ones you can start tapping your way through the F.R.A.M.E. in the way I show you in the Tap And Bitch Technique Training inside the members area.
- FEEL: While you’ve probably tapped a lot already about how you feel about various aspects of what happened during the fight, I would do at least two rounds of tapping through each of the points while describing how I was feeling NOW about what happened. I would have already taken the edge off of the sharpest emotional upset peaks with the tapping I would have done up to this point, so my feelings might have changed some.
- RESPONSE: Then I would do another few rounds of tapping while describing my response in the moment (what I did at the time, and what were my feelings relative to what I did it at the time.) Then I would continue with at least another few round while describing what I wish I would have done at the time instead – now that I can view it with 20/20 hindsight.
- ACTIONS: Then I would do another few round of tapping while describing the actions I took during and after the fight – things like what I said (or didn’t say but wanted to say!) at the time, as well as what the other person said and did. I would also tap my way through describing how I feel about having taken those actions, and my feelings about the actions of the other person.
- MEANING: Next, I would tap through a round or two describing the meaning that I assigned to the the fight and what was said and done during and after the fight. I’d look for things to tap on from the viewpoint of “this was said or done, so I interpret that to mean….” Often times “in the heat of battle” we jump to conclusions about what things mean – from a viewpoints that are very self-limiting and often downright erroneous – but because of the emotionally charged situation, they can end up “sticking” as truth. These are definitely things that we want to release because more often than not they simply are not the truth.
- This would probably be a time when I would want to continue to do multiple rounds of tapping until I had really let these thoughts and feelings go. There are likely a number of underlying “earlier similar” incidents that need to have their emotional upset eliminated too. If I had any flashes of insight as to what they were, I would either write them down for tapping later, or if they were really “up” in the moment, I’d continue tapping and F.R.A.M.E. them as separate incidents too.
- EVENTS: Finally, once I was pretty sure I had released as much of the emotional charge on the incident as I could find, I would continue to tap as I described what happened in vivid detail. I would do this in order to test and see if there is any emotional upset left. If there was, then do would some more tapping. If there wasn’t, then I would check to see if there were any other “earlier similar” situations that came to mind so I could tap them into oblivion also!
For those of you who like to tap-along with someone, here are links to a Tap-Along Video, Audio, and Script in the members area that addresses the upset around “Tapping after a fight with a friend or loved one.” You can start “borrowing the benefits” while you tap along. Simply take a moment to get really clear about, and focus on, something similar that happened to you, and still has you upset, before you start tapping along with the program. Go through it a couple of times if necessary, and be sure to F.R.A.M.E it with your own words.